Wednesday, August 19, 2015

The Most Pertinent Non Sequitur of All

Believe in me, or else
           - God

Or else what?
           - Man

           - Man

Tips for Making Your Blog as Delightfully Meta as an Average Absurdist Painting

Just before starting to write this the author had a lovely time being a social animal with other grownups, and it's now obvious that he was too excited to notice a beer and three glasses of wine had given him a definite case of sec before he'd even gotten home. Sooo...what else about my erstwhile well-observed life could use a more thorough flogging with the 'ol Analysis Stick?

Oh yes, my blog.

(from Dept of More Meta Than Thou)

- Exert strenuous efforts to ensure the blogs to which you subscribe are all discontinued. Bonus points if the author has not been seen alive in more than a year.

- Keep a mirror next to the computer screen. Better yet - typing blind isn't that hard - convert your computer screen into a mirror.

- Comment on why you chose each word in your sentence. Include illustrations.

- Comment on your comments. Include illustrations.

- Explain why comments aren't footnotes, and segue into a thoughtful discourse on the sadly solipsistic state of academic writing (with an ironic examination of how aware you are of the irony inherent in ironic examinations)

- Set up a webcam pointed at your computer screen, then set up a webcam pointed at the webcam that's pointed at your computer screen

- Post a video of you agonizing over where to stop with this setting up of frickin webcams

- Publish a daily electron micrograph of a random area of your body

- Contract with a funeral home to have the video of your death automatically posted on Youtube, funded through the advance sale of tickets and targeted advertising

* Bonus difficulty points if the search spiders can't find an instance of the word "me" on your site.

Google Everywhere!

Setting: A darkened yurt in the steppes of southeastern Mongolia, the near future.

HERDSMAN: I think something is wrong with my yak. He is sleeping a lot.
PILE OF PELTS ON THE FLOOR: Here are the listings for large animal veterinarians nearby. Shall I display them?
PILE OF PELTS ON THE FLOOR: No external display detected.
HERDSMAN: Manure! Wife, get me my S9. It's probably by the drying racks!
HERDSWOMAN: Get it yourself! You haven't checked your Google + status in twenty minutes, aren't you afraid you no longer exist? I've got work to do!
HERDSMAN: Woman, the yak is sick. Get me my S9 and quit your bitching!
HERDSWOMAN: Eternal Heaven! If we had upgraded the Google appliance from a standalone unit last year like I wanted to, you wouldn't have to go running to your S9 to google something - and you wouldn't have to keep that appliance buried under a bunch of hides so the battery doesn't freeze! It's insane - and incidentally so are you!
HERDSMAN: I will not be bullied by a globally mega-monopolistic super-corporation!
HERDSWOMAN: For Schmidt's sake, will you keep it down? You'll have an auditing drone poking around our tent if you don't shut up! Do you want that?
HERDSMAN: I will not be bullied by you either! I don't care about your preferred vendor status ... that yak does a lot more work than you!
HERDSWOMAN: I'd like to see it auction its own milk.
HERDSMAN: That's another upgrade. Forget it!

Friday, August 9, 2013

from "An Oblique Approach" by David Drake & Eric Flint

"Where else but from doubt can faith arise, wise fool?" Michael glowered. "It is the true sin of the churchman that he doubts not. He knows, he is certain, and thus he is snared in Satan's net. And soon enough, casts the net himself, and cackles with glee when he hauls up his catch of innocence."
The raptor vanished, replaced by the friend. "Others see in you the gentleness of your spirit, and the wisdom of your mind. Those are there, true. I have always recognized them. But beneath lies the true Cassian. There is no strength so iron hard as gentleness, Anthony. No faith so pure as that which always doubts, no wisdom so deep as that which always questions."

The monk straightened his back. "Were this not true, I would reject God. I would spit in His face and join the legions of Lucifer, for the archangel would be right to rebel. I love God because I am His creation. I am not his creature."

Friday, August 2, 2013

Gotta love NASA and the Lenovo T420s Hardware Manual

Cosmic radiation can refer not only to incoming radiation from outside the solar system, but also from the sun (NASA calls them “solar energetic particles”). If you’ve ever watched NASA tv, you know that solar flares can look very impressive; for this reason they have potentiated many years of ideal scapegoating when a technical problem must be blamed on something abstruse or impossible to refute.

So the next time you have a bizarre issue that really cries out for some kind of doublespeak label, feel free to pull this gem directly from page 56 of the Lenovo ThinkPad T420s Hardware Maintenance Manual.

Keep in mind these events are intermittent at best, and often very transient, sometimes clearing up in a matter of minutes. This may seem like a downside, but can be used advantageously to get your caller off the phone:

“I’ve got another call coming in which could be related to your issue. The vast majority of energized particles should be exiting near-Earth vicinity shortly; please power off your machine for ten minutes, then restart it and email us with an update.”

If you’re feeling really bold, toss in the phrase “coronal mass ejection” since the vaguely ominous acronym “CME” can then be thrown around rather indiscriminately, which should further allow you to intone something funereal like, “I’d better warn them to harden the data center while they still can.”

Friday, June 1, 2012

Desperate Times in Geekdom

From today's headlines:
Graduation rates for students majoring in Computer Science have so seriously failed to keep pace with demand that the IT industry is weighing a proposal to "write the damn software correctly the first time," according to approximately a bazillion industry sources who declined to be named. This radical departure from conventional business practices prompted initially favorable reactions from within the sector, including a couple gajillion other anonymous sources who noted such near-term advantages  as "shipping a product without major bugs would be really cool" and "we could stop beta testing stuff on users."

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Thank God for my cousins.